Caring for a Loved One
Helping Hand
It is well-documented that reliable physical and emotional support vastly improves outcomes and quality of life. This is the intangible medicine that makes all the difference—and you, as the caregiver are the cornerstone of that medicine.
Caregivers have many roles and these roles change as the needs change during and after cancer treatment. Among them may be:
- Emotional and/or spiritual support
- Help with daily activities such as making meals
- Help with medical care/appointments/transportation
- Help with coordinating services/financial/insurance needs
- Serving as the communicator between the patient and the health care team
At first, you may be unsure about what to say or do. What most people with cancer need, first and foremost, is to know that they have a support team. You as the caregiver, are a critical member of that team. Making a special effort to be open and sensitive to how they are feeling (which might be up one day and down the next) will help you to know how to respond in the most effective way and most importantly help them trust that you are really there for them.
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Don’t tell them that you know how they feel – none of us actually knows how another feels, especially someone with cancer. |
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Avoid using terms like ‘be strong’ or ‘be positive’ – this puts pressure on them that is more than they need at this time. |
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Try not to take things personally. – The person with cancer may react in uncharacteristic ways and you may be their target because they trust that you will still love them. |
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Unsolicited advice can also put extra pressure on them – and is best not offered. |
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Their situation is unique and comparing it to someone elses is unfair. |
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Do not expect yourself to know what to say or do. Say if you feel awkward – it acknowledges the situation rather than pretending it’s not happening. Honesty can bring you closer together. |
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While visitors are wonderful, be careful about too many or especially if the disease is more advanced. Calming activites like listening to music is a good idea. |
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If they cry, don’t try to cheer them up. Crying is their honest expression of sadness. You can reassure them that sadness is normal and entirely okay. Your understanding and acceptance will make it safe for them to be honest with you. |
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When friends offer to help, accept. – You may not think you need anything, but there is likely something that will help you and it gives that friend an opportunity to give. |
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If on the other hand, the friend that has offered is a high maintenance friend, then feel free to decline. You need less maintenance, not more. |
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Take a few minutes each day (even 15-30 min) to relax and/or do something for yourself. Take a nap, walk around the block, watch a movie, meditate…whatever recharges you. |
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Eat well! This is very important. Good fuel is critical to your energy level and mood. Eat your veggies. |
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Give yourself an outlet for your feelings. If talking with others helps you, do it. If quiet time helps, take time for that. Perhaps you need a little of both. |
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Try not to judge the process. It is uncharted territory and there is no “right” way to do it. Just do it with as much love for the person with cancer and yourself as you can. |
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Joining a support group can be helpful. Some meet in person and some by phone or online. You may gain insights, learn tips, help another or just find out that you are not alone. |